Local Revision: Wordiness

Now it's time to start locally revising my draft. Local revision involves really breaking down the draft and editing it for grammar and other simple errors. For this blog I am going to break down and revise my section that talks about where my controversy is going on. 

Screenshot from my blog. 

If you can't read the screenshot above, here is the excerpt from my blog:

Colorful Colorado is in apart of the midwest in the United States of America. Colorado is known for it's spectacular unique seasons and mountain life, if you're one to adventure, you must adventure there. When I think of Colorado, I think of how beautiful it is, and how you can always see the Rocky Mountains with snow covered peaks. From the suburban life to the mountain life, you are sure to never be disappointed. Every night, the sun sets behind the mountains, causing the sky to turn into a cloud of color, the brightest oranges and florescent violets light up the sky in the most breath taking way possible. On a spring morning, you can watch the frost melt off the grass as the sun starts to warm the grounds and turns a cold snowy morning into a warm spring afternoon, where people will start off wearing boots, and end the day in flip-flops. However, a true Coloradan will be wearing shorts and flip-flops even when there is snow on the ground during an afternoon spring. You can always feel the crispness of the air and in the mountains, you'll never feel like you've breathed fresher air in your entire life. You can taste the water in the air after a dusting of snow, or a twenty minute afternoon rain. You can even wake up in the summer and go to the pool and then watch it hail in the afternoon before blue skies come back for the evening sun set. Colorado is home to some of the best people in the world, from the people of LoDo, to the granolas of Boulder, you always know that you will find someone with a smile on their face, enjoying the beautiful views that Colorado has to offer.

Here is my revised version of the section above:

Colorful Colorado is located in the midwest of the United States of America. It is known for it'd dramatic seasons and epic mountain life. When I think of Colorado, I think of it's beauty and how you can always see the snow covered peaks of the Rocky Mountains. All over Colorado you are sure to never be disappointed. Every night, at sunset, the sky turns into the brightest oranges and purples you have ever seen. On a spring morning, you can watch the frost melt off the grass and the cold snowy morning turns into a warm, dry, spring afternoon. You can always feel the crispness of the air and in the mountains, you'll breath the freshest air that you have ever breathed. You can taste the water in the air after it snows, or a short, afternoon, summer rain. You can eve wake up in the summer and go to the pool and then watch the afternoon sky turn black, and run for cover as the hail shoots down from the sky. Colorado is home to some of the most interesting people in the world, from the people of LoDo, the the granolas of Boulder, you always know that you  will find someone with a smile on their face, enjoying the beautiful views that Colorado has to offer. 

From the minds of the reader, I would have to say that the longer, un-condensed version is better for this paragraph. I think that a lengthy, descriptive paragraph regarding the setting of the controversy. When understanding a problem, or telling story, setting is really important. For the reader to fully understand the story, and feel like it affected them, they must have a detailed explanation of the setting. I think that for my QRG, I will revise my setting paragraph, but I won't be cutting it down because I think it plays an important role in understanding Colorado and how the state is perceived by a local without mentioning marijuana.